I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
You Might Also Like
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying