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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift