Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*seductively peels off lederhosen
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin