I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )