Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
So that’s what we looked like?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
how long have you had this for?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.