Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
? 💀
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”