Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off