I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.