[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
#FunnyLife Insects
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.