Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys