(more comics:
You Might Also Like
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.