You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My love language is deader than Latin
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911