When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.