[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
What
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.