I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”