My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?