my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”