I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
j o i m p
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I want what they have
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police