I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
and now we wait
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.