[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
those birds must be on payroll
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what