Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.