Tough love is true love
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
did it work
Had an epiphany today.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
The sacred texts.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?