i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Someone just threatened to call me later
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents