Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
nature’s most graceful animal
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.