jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
He took my last fry, your honor
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
2022 be like
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.