My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
how high up are we talkin’?