Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.