I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”