captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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U talkin 2 me?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?