It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!