I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….