If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again