It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
best review i’ve ever seen
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I don’t make the rules sorry
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*ernest hemingway voice*
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.