Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
me and my fake scenarios
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*puts my mental health in rice
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
They grow up so quick
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Remember folks 😂
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.