[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
You Might Also Like
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.