My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.