I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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