Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends