This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Nice try, poison.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
#inspiration #foodforthought
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Oops I deleted….
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
All generalizations are stupid.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.