The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
This tweet has been deleted
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat