therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.