News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Bros before Ohioes
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
peeping toms
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’ve had worse
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order