Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You Might Also Like
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*jazz hands*
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?