Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!