Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
i was baptized in a car wash
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop