Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Only a mother’s love …
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
That’s incredible! 👌
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.