He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.