Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer