when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.