i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
That 👊
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Happy Caturday!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.